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the things of today will slip our minds...
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| this place is a prison |
[28 Mar 2005|06:42pm] |
Its really amazing how many times you can see a person before you ever actually meet them. So, I didn't go to class tonight. I guess i'm just not really up to analyzing David Hume and his ideas of what we were when we were in the "State of Nature" (as Hobbes calls is). I don't know. School is so frustrating right now. I am so fully of apathy when it comes to school. Its not so much that I don't want to go as much as it is that I just don't see the point in taking classes that I really don't need at all. I understand the idea of having a well-rounded education to a point but at the same time I don't really understand why I have to take biology if I desire to study philosophy. hmm. Anyway, I never really update this thing anymore and I think I might start. No real reason. I just think it might be good for me.
Sometimes I really do feel like I've failed in so many ways. It can be frustrating at times. I mean, here I am, almost 20 and I've really not a whole lot to show for it when it comes to my education. I guess to me at this point in my life thats really not what the most important thing is. I'm not really sure what the most important thing is right now and in a way that is very scary. Here I go on a total word rampage... I just feel like I can accomplish so much more right now when I'm not in school especially when i'm working, which I have been doing all of the time lately. I've been thinking about volunteering down at the soup kitchen on Tuesday nights. There is just so much that can be done and here I am wasting time in front of this machine that is supposed to make things easier and more convenient for us but all its really doing right now is helping me waste time. I don't know how much time I have to waste either. no one does. thats a scary thought. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with wasting time though. I mean, we all have to live and we all have so much that we need to, individually, experience. I feel as if I could be so much farther along than I am right now. I was talking to my brother last night and he told me that this is the exact same time he began to loose it. exactly 5 months before his 20th birthday. That makes me nervous. I'm trying so hard to hang on to what control i currently do have on my mental and emotional states and it just seems like everyday it gets harder. I fear that someday i'm just not going to be able to handle it anymore and things might get even worse than they are right now. I fear that if that does happen there will be no one there at all. Although that would only be similar to what things are like right now, but at least now I still have a few people and, interestingly enough, some of whom cause more problems than they help me with. hmm. I feel so... introverted and scared but at the same time curious, excited, and full of energy.
I'm done.
goodnight.
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| I can't belive I'm actually using this... wow... |
[28 Mar 2005|06:07pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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none |
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choose life. choose a job. choose a career. choose a family, choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesteral and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirt-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
-Irvine Welsh
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[23 Mar 2005|10:34am] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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Missy Elliot |
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I'm at work right now and I have so much stuff I should be doing instead of this. I guess sometimes it is okay to take breaks though. Right? So, the girl I was bitching about yesterday quit. We are all happy. Although I do feel kind of bad, she really just wasn't working out any way. I'm going up to Madison today and I am rather excited about this. It should be a lot of fun. It will deffinately be nice to get out of Rockford for a little bit. The lady I work with on Saturday agreed to reschedule our visit for the following weekend so we can have a nice long 4 day weekend this week. Good call on her part. I wouldn't have thought of doing that. Now i suppose I need to call all of the foster partents and let them know whats up. I'm sure mom is going to be pissed especially since it is the holiday. Its like they forget that we have lives to live too. Oh well. Now I'm waiting for the lady that started last week to get here. I have more to train her on today. I hate training so much. Just something about having someone observe what I'm doing makes me nervous.
Only about 2 more hours of work and i'm out of here!
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[22 Mar 2005|03:36pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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I am about ready to fire the two new girls. They fucking SUCK! This is so rediculous. You don't take a job if you're not really planning on working. Bull Shit. Now I'm stuck doing all of their shit! So Pissed. I need a drink
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| Okay, I'm trying to make work go by faster... |
[21 Mar 2005|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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the sound of the heater in my office |
] |
LAST PERSON WHO:
x. Saw you cry: Kevin or maybe Chach
x. You shared a bed with: Ryan
x. You shared a drink with: probably Krystee
x. You went to the movies with: hmmm... I don't go to the movies much but Deryl and i did go see Robots last week I think
x. You went to the mall with: myself
x. Yelled at you: Kevin
x. You hugged: Ryan
x. Sent you an email: Stephanie
HAVE YOU EVER?
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it? yeah
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet:I don't have a pet
x. Been to New York: the State but not the city
x. Florida: yeah. i was bored
x. California: no... but I would really like to
x. Hawaii: nope
x. Mexico: no
x. China: no
x. Canada: yeah
x. Danced : I don't dance- unless i'm really drunk
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: I don't think so
x. Wished you were the opposite sex: no not really
x. Had an imaginary friend: nope
x. Things you look for in a girl: um, if I liked girls... I would be with Stephanie forever because she Rocks!
x. Worst feeling in the world: having an uncontrolable anxiety attack that leads to overdosing on hydroxytriptophan and sliting my wrists and my arms only to realize that I really don't want to die and then feeling really sick and not moving out of bed for days
x. What is the first thing you think when you wake up: why the fuck is my alarm set on the gospel channel
x. Future daughters names: Lucy
x. Future son’s names: haven't thought that far ahead
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: I do and i'm not ashamed of it
x. Whats under your bed: lots of storage containers with lots of crap in them
x. Favorite sport to watch: not really into sports
x. Current age: 19 going on 30
x. Siblings: Eamonn-23, Chris-20, Sara-17, Julianne-7, Payton-4
x. Location: Rockford, IL... at work=(
x. College Plans: to eventually finish
x. Piercings/Tattoos: I have holes where there used to be jewlery, Celtic tree of life on my back and the celtic symbol of well-being on my arm
x. Girlfriend: I think this should say boyfriend... either way - no
EXTRA STUFF
x. Do you : have partys? love to party? No, Yes
x. Do you drink: yes
x. Who is your best friend: Krystee, Eamonn
x. What are you most scared of: myself
x. What clothes do you sleep in: whatever... sometimes nothing usually a tank top and some little boy shorts
x. Where do you want to get married: cross that bridge when I get to it
x. Been in love: yes
x. What type of automobile do you drive: '95 Saturn SLC
x. Do you have a job: yeah... Catholic Charities
x. Do you like being around people: depends on who it is
x. Are you for world peace: naturally. Although, not probable
x. Are you a health freak: I've been told that once or twice
STUFF
x. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: I don't think thats called love
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: of course
x. Do you have a type of person you always go after: not really, someone I can talk to about stuff that actually matters and who will have an opinion
x. Want someone you dont have right now: yeah
x. Are you lonely right now: yeah. this building is lonely
x. Ever afraid youll never get married: no. I was for a while though
x. Do you want kids: eventually
FAVORITE
x. Room in house: my kitchen.. because its pink
x. Color: pink
x. Perfume or Cologne: I don't really have one
x. Month: July
x. Stone: I don't have one
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU?
x. Cried: yeah
x. Bought something: yeah... 2 cds and a rockin' wallet
x. Gotten sick: felt sick
x. Sang: in my car; I always sing in my car. Seriously, who doesn't?
x. Said I Love You: no
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: no
x. Met someone new: yes, a boy, he is very nice and I like him
x. Moved on: I'm not sure exactaly what this means so i'm going to remain neutral
x. Talked to someone: yeah
x. Missed someone: actually, yes
x. Hugged someone: yes
x. Kissed someone: yes
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[22 Mar 2004|06:59pm] |
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I feel like being an activist. I feel like I'm really not doing all that much to help are society. Everyone should read Culture Jam and everyone should support TURN OFF THE TV WEEK APRIL 19-25. Thats all i have .
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[12 Jan 2004|08:59am] |
 If i was a serial killer i would be Albert Fish.
Albert Fish was a masochistic, pedophile obsessed with religious themes such as sin, sacrifice, and redemption through pain. It is believed that he would force his own children to beat him with a nail studded paddle until he bled. He would also stick nails underneath his finger nails,into his groin, his scrotum and his anus. He forced himself to eat feces and would stick alcohol soaked cotton balls up his anus and set them on fire.
Fish believed that God wanted him to castrate boys, which he would do over the course of many years, finally to be caught for kidnapping, murdering and eating a 10 year old girl. Fish claims to have molested over four hundred children. Police charged him with eight but suspect him on fifteen.
Kill count: unconfirmed
Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now! |
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| school smool |
[02 Oct 2003|09:03am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Julianna Theory |
] |
tired. 2:45. up late. so worth it. exam. paper. paper. so tired. work. no. sad. visitation. eamonn. job. no. why? lack of understanding. chilli. yum. nightmere on elm street. ahhh. scary. up late. 2:45. tired. so worth it. the end.
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[25 Sep 2003|01:12am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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roses are red. violets. are blue. sugar is sweet. and so are you.
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[25 Sep 2003|12:15am] |
is beauty better when you cannot see the face?
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[20 Sep 2003|03:05pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
] |
i have a secret admirer. its cute.
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| bored. |
[12 Sep 2003|04:16pm] |
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today. bored. health department. closed. matt. parker. larry. 3 1/2 bowls. hah. taco bell. mmmm. orange juice. apple. twizlers. gum. yum. yum. yum. drive. park. read. home. sit. here.
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| sick of school |
[11 Sep 2003|01:09pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
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music |
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duvall |
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its only been like 3 weeks and i am so ready for school to just be over. i got another job so now i'm just always going to be way exhausted. i go in at 6:30 in the morning. suck. but i could really use the extra cash right now expecially if i want to move. move. yes. i really want that to happen NOW. oh man. I start at walker on monday for 2 weeks and then i start at Dennis with the Discovery Center and that should be a lot of fun. i'm really looking forward to that a lot. hopefully i can get some hours in on friday doing after school with Kevin or something. i just really need to work all i can. time to go study.
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| taken from ransom_for_joy |
[04 Sep 2003|02:22pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
LAST PERSON WHO..
Slept in your bed: myself
Saw you cry: kevin
Made you cry: my mom
Spent the night at your house: jess... i don't have people over very often
You shared a drink with: kevin
You went to the movies with: kevin
You went to the mall with: kevin
Yelled at you: my dad
Sent you an e-mail: friendster
You kiss: kevin
HAVE YOU EVER..
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yes. you should never say anything you do not mean. that is how people get hurt.
Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish,etc.: everyday. we like to wrestle
Been to New York?: driven through part of the state but never stopped
Been to Florida?: yes.
California?: no. i would like to go there someday.
Hawaii?: i wish. actually not really.
Mexico?: new mexico (does that count?)
China?: no
Canada?: I saw it from Detroit
Danced naked?: I'm going to leave this one blank because i'm not sure.. and even if i was sure i'm not sure that i would want to admitt it.
Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: no.
Wish you were the opposite sex? yes. who hasn't? Guys have it so much easier.
Had an imaginary friend? no. i tried it but my imaginary friend wasn't very fun so i kicked him to the curb.
RANDOM...
Red or blue? thats a toss up.
Spring or fall? fall
Are you bored? right now, yes.
Last noise you heard? my step-mom's voice... its like nails on a chalk board
Last time you went out of the state: last weekend.
Things you like in a girl/guy?: lots of things.
Do you have a crush on someone? yes. a big crush.
What book are you reading now? the Four Loves by C.S. Lewis and the Lion, the Witch, and the Waredrob by C.S. Lewis
Worst feeling in the world: guilt or that horrible feeling in your stomach like something bad is happening or about to happen but you don't know what it is.
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? what i have to get done that day.
How many rings before you answer? probably about 2
Future daughter's name: adeline because it means "noble"
Future son's name: Quinn because it means "wise"
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? yes. it is a monkey. i like it.
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? hair dresser.
Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous? i would use the right
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? yes, i do not know how to type any other way.
What's under your bed? 2 boxes. each containing pictures
Favorite sport to watch? probably either baseball or european football
Current Age: 18. i'm finally legal in all 50 states.
Siblings: eamonn, julianna, payton
Location: Argyle, il
College plans: i'm currently at rock valley but hope to transferr to rockford college
Piercings: just my lobes at a 2g
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: i have one. his is nice. we play nintendo together. his name is kevin.
THE EXTRA STUFF
Do you do drugs?: sometimes. only pot
Do you drink: somtimes.
Who is your best friend?: jess, kevin
What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: this revitalizing stuff
What are you most scared of?: being alone
What clothes do you sleep in?: shorts and a tank
Who is the last person who called you? kevin.
Where do you want to get married?: someplace here in beautiful rockford
If you could change anything about yourself what would that be? lots of things. i don't want to think about what i could change though. that is kind of negative.
Who do you really hate?: no one.
Favorite number: the number 7
Been In Love?: i am in love. he is amazing.
What Type Automobile Do You Drive: 95 saturn SC2
Are You Timely Or Always Late: normally i'm pretty timely
Do You Have A Job: yes but i would like another.
Do You Like Being Around People: yeah for the most part.
Best feeling in the world: that feeling after i have helped someone do something.
Are you for world peace: sure am.
Are you a health freak: um. i think that is a relative question. i'm a vegan so if that makes me a health freak then yes.
STUFF
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: no. i have liked.
Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: YES!!!!!!!
Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: no.
Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: no. i have who i will ever want.
Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yes.
Are You Lonely Right Now: no.
Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: no.
Do You Want To Get Married: i think most girls do.
Do You Want Kids: yes.
FAVORITE
Room In house: my own
Type(s) of music: i like a lot of indie stuff but i like a lot of other stuff too.
Song: this really cheesy song by Box Car Racer
Memory: running through the fountains with Kevin.
Day Of The Week: friday.
Color: pink
Perfume Or Cologne: patcholie oil
Flower: tulips
Month: july, october
Season: i like summer and fall
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU..
Cried: yes.
Bought Something: gas for my car.
Gotten Sick: no.
Sang: yes. in my car.
Said I Love You: yes.
Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: yes
Met Someone New: no.
Moved On: no.
Talked To Someone: yes.
Had A Serious Talk:that will be tonight. with my dad. :-o
Missed Someone: yes.
Hugged Someone: kevin.
Kissed Someone: see above.
Fought With Your Parents: that will probably be tonight.
Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: no. but i normally don't remember my dreams.
Had a lot of sleep: yes.
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[03 Sep 2003|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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*silence* |
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"...I went circling through all the mountains, I traversed treacherous mountains, and crossed all the seas-- that is why sweet sleep has not mellowed my face, through sleepless striving I am strained, my muscles are filled with pain."
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| yay. |
[27 Aug 2003|01:51pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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owen |
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i went with my dad to guzzardos today and he let me pick out whatever guitar i wanted and then he bought it for me. i bought a brand new seagull guitar. it is very nice. i <3 it.
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autumnproject's journal
